Five ways to navigate your midlife crisis
"How old are you?"
"Forty."
"You got a year and a half."
This was a conversation between Pastor John Piper and his mentor, Jim Conway. Jim was right. The following year, Pastor Piper burned out. A cloud of despair seemed to descend on him, and he wondered if he would ever feel normal again.
According to a study done at Cornell University, forty is the average age when men hit a crisis or burnout. Professor of Psychology Dr. Margie E. Lachman says, "Many large studies show a low point in life satisfaction during the middle years" (Lachman, M. E., Teshale, S., & Agrigoroaei, S. 2015).
This December, I will be turning 41 years old, and I feel my midlife crisis lurking. In some ways, its fangs have already injected its poison. In the past, I felt like a deep well of fresh ideas to lead God's people and reach the unreached. But now, I sit blankly as younger leaders are ten steps ahead of me.
I felt like an old rechargeable battery that could no longer hold a charge. I've never tried so hard to rest, but the more effort I put in, the more restless I became.
An emotional crash felt inevitable.
Three reasons midlife crisis feels inevitable
1. Physical decline
Tom Brady had a long and incredible career, but even the GOAT finally had to hang it up. (Remarkably, he made it to 45 years old!) According to the Encyclopedia of Sports Medicine and Science, most men peak physically between 20 and 35 and then experience a decline. Although I continue to train at least four times a week, I know I will never be able to lift, run, or compete athletically as I once did. I've reached a place where I'm just managing my arthritic knee and my dropping metabolism. The reality of my downward trajectory reminds me, often subconsciously, that my destiny is the grave. And each moment is one more step down those stairs.
2. Mental decline
In Arthur Brooks' fantastic book From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life, he explains that humans have two types of intelligence: Fluid and crystallized intelligence. Fluid intelligence is the ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems (Brooks, 2022, p. 26). Crystalized intelligence, on the other hand, is the ability to use knowledge from the past (Brooks, 2022, p. 27). Another way to describe it is fluid intelligence, innovative and creative smarts, and crystallized intelligence, an internal library of wisdom.
According to Brooks, fluid intelligence starts to peak and wane in a person's thirties and early forties, which means that a person no longer has the creative capacity they might have had earlier in life.
Take a moment to list your favorite innovators, inventors, and artists. Look up when they had their big breakthrough or top hit. It was probably in their twenties or thirties. Below are a few examples:
· Albert Einstein was twenty-six when he came up with the theory of relativity.
· Bill Gates was nineteen when he co-founded Microsoft.
· Michael Jackson was twenty-four when he produced Thriller.
· JK Rowling was in her early thirties when she wrote the Harry Potter Series.
· Steven Spielberg was thirty-five when he made E.T.
· George Lucas was in his early thirties when he wrote Star Wars.
You get the picture.
As a forty-year-old man, my fluid intelligence is starting to wane, and my great, big, innovative idea is probably behind me. Like an athlete facing the reality that they can no longer compete, many men feel they no longer have much to contribute to their vocation because they no longer have the creativity, innovation, and new ideas they once had.
3. Loss of identity
One could argue that the book of Ecclesiastes is the Bible's acknowledgment of midlife crisis. In this book, King Solomon, one of the richest, wisest, and most successful kings ever to live, is lamenting over the lack of meaning in his life. He sees that all he has accomplished will one day be swept away and forgotten like a sand castle washed away by the high tide. And so he cries out, "Meaningless, meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
I resonate with Solomon's words when I look back on what I have done and attempted to accomplish. The churches I tried to start, grow, and nurture will disappear. What I've said, written, or taught will be quickly forgotten.
I know quite a few men forty-year-old men who have recently gone through a divorce, others went through bankruptcy, and others are battling career-ending illness. Life is not turning out how they had imagined. They no longer know who they are or what their purpose is.
Hitting the wall
When a person begins to experience these biological, social, and existential realities, they can hit an emotional wall. They may feel unmotivated and hopeless even though they have no idea why it is happening. Christian leader Carey Nieuwhof, who himself experienced a midlife crisis, lists the symptoms a person might feel as they are going through burnout:
· Loss of motivation
· Feel numb
· Socially drained
· Irritable
· Cynical
· Unproductive
· Practice unhealthy coping strategies
· Loss of a sense of humor
· Unable to rest and recharge.
Unhelpful "solutions" flowing from Western Values
When a person is facing physical decline, mental decline, and a loss of identity, they might look for an immediate "solution." For some, that means making a big purchase, like the proverbial sports car, or leaving their spouse for someone younger. These quick "fixes" attempt to hold on to the younger self and avoid the passing of time.
Other unhealthy coping mechanisms are not as volatile, but they are still unhelpful. For example, a person might try to hold on to a specific position at work even though they no longer possess the skills and capacity to perform.
Because Western culture is so fueled by achievement and so-called rugged individualism, decline of any kind feels like a death sentence. Other cultures that are less focused on personal achievement and more on family connections don't seem to experience the same phenomenon (Jackson 2019).
Nevertheless, if you find yourself passing burning out, there is hope. There is a path towards healing and a life filled with meaning and purpose.
Five Ways to Navigate Through Midlife Crisis
1. Create space to breathe.
Because there are no quick fixes, a short vacation or a few days off work probably won't "fix" a person in crisis; instead, a person must know that it might take time and extra effort to crawl out of this hole. A person might need to take an extended leave of absence. Or they might need to allow their productivity to drop a little until they can get their feet under them again. Whatever it is, they will need to find the space and time to breathe to direct their efforts toward healing.
2. Grieve your losses.
Time has passed, which means that a man in midlife is no longer the man they were in their twenties and thirties. They won't have the physical or mental capacities that they once had. They also might not be in the place in life that they would like to be. Instead of trying to fight their way back to "the good old days," the person will need to grieve what has been lost.
Recently, I watched the movie Inside Out for a class project. One of the movie's main messages is the power and importance of sadness. God gave us the gift of sadness so that we could appreciate our past and learn to let it go and move on.
As a man goes through a midlife crisis, he might want to live in the past or recreate it to make up for a past failure. But there is no such thing as a time machine. There is no way to go back and change how things happened. Instead, we can thank God for all the good he has done and, at the same time, grieve what has been lost in a sinful world.
3. Fill up without flaking out.
Pastor Craig Groschel preached a message describing a period of burnout that he went through. He tried to sleep, rest, and take some time off, but it didn't make any real difference. Then, one day, his therapist told him that fatigue was not his primary problem. He wasn't just tired. He was empty. So, he needed to find ways to fill up.
A person going through a midlife crisis will need to learn how to fill themselves up emotionally in healthy and helpful ways. For example, one of the best ways to restore my body and soul is to get out into nature. And so recently, I went camping with just my dog and me. We hiked, made fires, and slept. In those two days, I could feel my whole body regain its equilibrium. It felt like God was pouring hope into my soul.
4. Change your mindset.
As we mentioned earlier, a man's fluid intelligence starts to decline in their forties. Yet, their crystallized intelligence can be maintained into late adulthood." (Erford, 2022, p. 410) Although a person going through midlife might not develop the next innovative idea, they will have the wisdom to access helpful information by drawing upon prior knowledge and experience. In other words, a man in his forties and onward still has a lot to contribute to their job, church, and home, but they might need to change their mindset and even their role.
Instead of seeing themselves as the player on the field, maybe it's time to identify more as the coach. Instead of being creators or innovators, they need to see themselves as mentors, counselors, and friends. This shift in their mindset will help them gain a new sense of identity and control as they transition to the next phase of life.
5. Get help.
Finally, this journey doesn't need to be done alone. Consider speaking with a friend, pastor, or counselor as you pass these challenging waters. According to an article in Psychology Today, "a midlife crisis most often occurs due to unresolved issues from the past and the urge to act on an impulse that has been dormant." Therefore, a trained counselor could help identify the root causes of the crisis so that a person might experience some hope.
Conclusion
Some kind of midlife crisis or burnout is widespread for men going through life in their forties. There are forces in nature that are pushing them toward this struggle. Yet, even though a man might be going through this experience, it doesn't have to break them. They can create some space, grieve their losses, fill up their soul, and change how they see their role in the world while getting the help they need. Midlife doesn't need to be a crisis.
Works Cited
Brooks, A. C. (2022). From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life. United States: Penguin Random House.
Docter, P. (Director). (2015). Inside Out [Motion Picture].
Erford, B. T. (2022). An Advanced Lifespan Odyssey for Counseling Professionals. Boston: Cengage.
Groeschel, C. (2022, September 25). Beating Burnout. Retrieved from Life Church YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAtTkMpACFc
Jackson M. 2019 Wilkins-Bernal-Medawar lecture Life begins at 40: the demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis. Notes Rec R Soc Lond. 2020 Sep 20;74(3):345–364. doi: 10.1098/rsnr.2020.0008. Epub 2020 Mar 25. PMID: 32831409; PMCID: PMC7434712.
Lachman, M. E., Teshale, S., & Agrigoroaei, S. (2015). Midlife as a pivotal period in the life course: Balancing growth and decline at the crossroads of youth and old age. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 39(1), 20–31. https://doi.org/10.1177/0165025414533223 Access the article at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4286887/
Nieuwhof, C. (n.d.). 9 Signs You're Burning Out in Leadership. Retrieved from Careynieuwhof: https://careynieuwhof.com/9-signs-youre-burning-out-in-leadership/
Perera, A. (2023, september 7). Fluid Intelligence Vs. Crystallized Intelligence. Retrieved from Simply Psychology: https://www.simplypsychology.org/fluid-crystallized-intelligence.html
Reynolds, J. L. (2022, October 23). Midlife Crisis: What's Really Happening? Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-kind/202210/midlife-crisis-whats-really-happening
Shephard, R.J. (1998). Aging and Exercise. In: Encyclopedia of Sports Medicine and Science, T.D.Fahey (Editor). Internet Society for Sport Science: http://sportsci.org. 7 March 1998.
Wethington, Elaine. (2000). Expecting Stress: Americans and the "Midlife Crisis". Motivation and Emotion. 24. 85–103. 10.1023/A:1005611230993.
